24.6.09

starting fresh


in this box,

where all comes to an end.


lies the remnants of a relationship that almost, but never quite was


i hoped for so much...

i had a fantasy.

we were together. we were building a life.


it took years
but i finally came to my senses.

that the most special gift in my life was gone

for good.


2.10.08

melamine scare

wow. seems like the cliche is true...

"everything is made in china!"

hahahahahah!

30.9.08

in rapt contemplation

i am currently in a rapt contemplation. i will be updating this soon...

14.9.08

pritong tilapia at ginataang kalabasa by mom

i missed my mom's cooking. yesterday, after a week of non-stop working, i decided to visit my folks in their house.

when i called and told my mom that i was coming for lunch, she said "bakit? wala ka ng makain?"

i just laughed and said i'll be there in an hour. knowing her, it's just her own version of saying "thank god, you remembered us! and how i miss you!"

that's just the kind of person she is.

when i arrived, i was surprised to see that she prepared my favorite healthy combo "pritong tilapia and ginataang kalabasa" see?! she so love me!

as i started eating, my mom started asking questions.

1. how are you?
2. do you have a job now?
3. when will you go home?
4. have you fixed your travel papeers?
5. do you want to stay in laguna?
and so on and so forth...

i left home almost 3 years ago, and never was there a day that she attempted to bring me back home... hehehheehe, mom, you taught me well, don't worry about me i will be fine.

after eating, (by the way i didn't answer any of her questions, i just smiled and laughed while she was talking) i went to look for new books. i found kevin baker's dreamland (hahahah! yes it isn't new) and asked her if i can bring it home. she said "sige iuwi mo, baka sakaling magkaroon ka ng dreams" hahahhhah!

as i was preparing to leave, mom made another hirit "you look tired, your brother will drive you home"

SWEET!

i didn't object of course. so my younger brother brought me to my apartment. thanks bro! you are so sweet!

realization: I MISS MY FAMILY. THEY ARE THE BEST THING THAT"S EVER HAPPENED TO ME!


9.9.08

my tuna pasta - my dear friend shutz

pasta - our friendship is al dente. cooked just enough to retain a somewhat firm texture like the penne i always use when cooking my tuna pasta.

tuna - like the main ingredient of this recipe. we provide each other with nutrients, minerals, vitamins, amino acids to ensure that we both grow strong and able to overcome hurdles that we face everyday.


garlic - we both help detoxify each other through never ending laughs, jokes and stories that lightens each other's day. we make it a point to always talk to each other when we are on the verge of breaking down. we are our natural way of lowering our blood pressure.


onion - we sometimes make each other cry through the decisions we make. it isn't bad, it just makes our friendship taste even better.


black pepper - if black pepper stimulates our taste buds, then we serve as a stimuli to each other in formulating new ways of solving problems, areas of opportunties as well as creating a fun yet productive activity for our reps.


thyme - thyme has a long history of use in natural medicine in connection with chest and respiratory problems including coughs, bronchitis, and chest congestion. and like thyme we act as each others decongestants in removing all the emotional baggage that congests our chests.


rosemary - rosemary is an antidote to mental fatigue and forgetfulness. and this is just what we do to each other, we remind each other of tasks yet to be accomplished, and dreams yet to be lived.


cheese - if the calcium in cheese supports our bones. then we are each other's calcium in supporting each other when we present ideas that we strongly believe in. we hold each others hand through the unfamiliar just to prove our bosses that we can make it work.


we may not be working in the same company anymore. we may not see each other that often. we may not hear each other's voice all the time. but always remember that YOU like my own recipe of tuna pasta will never be forgotten. you have been a part of me. a part that will be treasured 'till the end.


i miss you GURL!!!

8.9.08

optimist - pessimist you choose!


I am writing this as an answer to my friend's blog.

I didn't know the effect of everything that i said yesterday until i read your blog. i intend to answer everything you have written and try to rationalize it.

But before that i just want to tell you that it is so nice to know that there are still people like you. Optimistic, idealistic and romantic. Don't stop being one. If there is one thing i would want to be... AGAIN, it's to be one like you.

Hopeful. Young. (but seriously you have to take it down a notch)

IMMATURE. You are not, you started enjoying your newfound sexuality in 2002. So following the traditional calendar, you are on your 6th year as a gay person. You are still in the learning phase. Your being pesky is comparable to a kid in a department store who didn't get what he want. (a toy car perhaps?)

"You were still in a cocoon, while we were busily fluttering around flowers"
Since we're talking metaphors, i will stick with this. while we were fluttering around flowers, we realized that not all of them taste sweet. There are a couple of flowers who are very appealing to our eyes, but as we sink our teeth into it (yes, i know butterflies do not have teeth), they are everything but sweet. this is your first bit of disappointment there are more to come.

Things shouldn't be forced. Imagine kids playing with a new toy car. They explore a thousand other ways on how to enjoy that. And they always end up ruining the whole thing. We exert too much effort turning a very good friendship into a relationship that will never be. In our attempt to do that we ruin the whole thing. Tears and sweat altogether.

As a third party. Do not demand. Need i say more? Just always think about this. YOU are better than the legal wife. Logic behind, I will not leave the bed to sleep in the couch.

Act like him. Be like him. Don't. Being like us requires a lot of hard work and like you said we seem heartless. you wouldn't want to be heartless right?

There will come a time that you will be just like him. Maybe yes, maybe no. This is your choice. It's too tiring being positive and hopeful and very disappointing might i add. We chose to be like this. we have stopped exerting effort. we have stopped fighting. we chose APATHY. You said that the world is so unfair and uncompromising, so, why would we compromise? hehehhe...

Be realistic and stop using your heart. Dude the heart is an organ. It does not tell you anything. You are an intelligent person i suppose you already know that. bwahahahahah!

You will fully understand these things outside or when you are finally defeated. Yes you will understand but you don't have to wait until your defeated.

If he choose to let you go, let go... Like what i said stay away, but not to far. You just have to play our game. Believe me it is always a turn on if someone is playing hard to get.

This lifestyle is so not gay at all. Its very hurtful and challenging

To be gay is to be an oxymoron.

This is me talking. I am not claiming that what i know or all these are applicable to everyone. i have no intentions to generalize. Maybe you have to stop listening to me. hehheheheh!

3.9.08

because of you

as a part of my daily ritual before going to work i drank my coffee in front of the television. i started scanning for a tolerable tv show.

i saw a little girl singing kelly clarkson's because of you. her rendition was good (she didn't sound like she is 10 years old) so i stayed on that channel and hummed along. when she was done singing, i went to the bathroom to do my thing. i was surprised because the lyrics of the song started haunting me.

i have been asking myself where my cynicism came from. when did it start? and then it hit me.

it was him. he broke me.

he sucked the romance out of me. he killed the romantic person that was me. he took away my ability to believe. he took the good part of me.

i am now left with the negative, cynical and hateful me. i have become a pessimist.

it was him. he broke me.

whew. i have been afraid to put myself out again. afraid that everything will just end the same. i cannot afford to go through the excruciating pain of an ending again.

broken.

not for long.

i will start glue-ing the broken pieces.