intoxicated memories

salam alekum

2010-09-08T06:56:00.000-07:00

so this is really happenning! will be in pakistan for a week!

the first Grind (Grindr)

2010-08-12T10:19:00.000-07:00

my friends and i were goofing around while waiting for our "lunch" break to be over and Cham grabbed my phone and logged in using my Grindr account.

she browsed through the online users and asked permission from me if she can send a message to someone.

having another iPhone on my hand i gnored her. she took this as a sign that i gave her permission to freely send a message to whoever she wants...

she sent mesages to someone and this was how the conversation went...

cham: want a piece of me? (this is so not me)
Grindr: U top or btm?
cham: top (i have no idea how she knew that i was one)
cham: u?
Grindr: Versa. Wer u at now?
cham: rufino and u?
Grindr: I'm in greenbelt right now. Got place?
Grindr: Mobile number?
cham: 0906584041* (i almost published my complete mobile number, almost!)
cham: im at work
Grindr: I see. So how can I have a piece of you? Hehe
cham: i have a place in Laguna.. wana cum ( cum pala ha!)

end of conversation.

i was surprised when cham and chow called me saying that Grindr is calling

i answered the call of course! (may tinatago din naman akong kati)

we talked for about 5 minutes, the usual question and answer portion in every budding hook-up.

he then offered to pick me up in front of the building and bring me to a place in mandaluyong where we can go all the way.

on our way to Mandaluyong, he had to gas up his car. (nothing extraordinary happened)

the "shell" boy knocked and informed him that the rear tires are a little soft so he drove a little to have it pumped (pardon my "car" language i really am not into cars!)

while parked. he started groping me...

Grindr: malaki ba? (with his hands rummaging the inside of my pants)
Grindr: Wow shit ang laki! puma-partee ka ba?
me: not anymore

my drug phase has passed. i don't do that stuff anymore.

Grindr: re sched tayo bukas, mas masarap yan kapag naka partee ako... game ka ba bukas?
me: i have a training class tomorrow around 11:00 pm
Grindr: ah ok. so after ha... malapit lang sa office mo... txt ko sayo room number
me: ok

(i have edited most of the parts for they are either confidential or sexually explicit)

he brought me back to where he picked me and asked for a kiss before i went down.

Grindr: bukas ha. walang indiyanan ha...

i'll update this blog tomorrow exactly 30 minutes after my first Grindr meet

ang "Grindr" (bow)

2010-08-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

i have heard this application before but i never bothered downloading it for reasons i don't understand.

but awhile ago, during my blog-hopping, i encountered a post from Carrie 's blog entitled May Pag-ibig nga ba sa Gilingan? which made me research further.

this should be interesting...

can't wait for my first Grindr meet.

back to blogsphere

2010-08-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

another attempt.

what went wrong?

2010-05-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

this is the question.

everything was ok i guess, based on the feedback given by friends and exes. but i honestly don't know what came to me and made me make that decision. maybe i really wasn't built for something like that.

yesterday, i bade farewell.

the last piece of memory was your toothbrush.

i threw it yesterday. i placed it in a bag filled with your memories. filled with the questions. filled.

goodbye! have a great life!!!

14 years of friendship... and counting still!!!

2010-01-18T18:04:00.000-08:00

it all started 14 years ago...

we were still young adults then, we took pleasure in eating "lucky me" pancit canton, wendy's french fries', sing along allanis morisette, overnight stays with someone's house, play tong-its, and a couple of other things that helped in building our friendship.

we may not be complete last sunday, we may have missed the other members of the gang, WE WERE HAPPY STILL.

i personally am very happy for all of us. we have made something out of ourselves. who would have thought that the bunch who played "shagidi-shagidi-sha-po-po" in the school grounds, are now tax payers!!!

the 14 years that we have shared are truly memorable.

we are now building another phase of memories. some of us already have little miniatures of themselves (sorry friends, si Yuki talaga favorite ko sa mga kids...)

may we continue to hold each other's hands as we explore another reality...

a toast to all of us! for the 14 years of friendship and for the friendship that would last for the rest of our lives!!!

i love you guys! see you on the 30th!!! my house!!! contact those who were absent last sunday!!!

blog walking

2010-01-18T03:22:00.000-08:00

I was blog walking and came across gibbs cadiz' blogsite. I then remembered that he wrote a review about the last theater production that i did. What he wrote was very inspiring. However, his entry about PETA's Don_Q made me ask myself a lot of questions... he said and i quote...

"It's a strong showcase of PETA's upcoming thespians, and a great reassurance that, if these actors are the future of the industry, we can breathe more easily for Philippine theater. "

I am no longer part of the future of Philippine Theater. I left 3 years ago... I want to go back!!!

And i will. I will...

Very Soon!!!

birthday week KICK OFF

2010-01-17T02:01:00.001-08:00

5 days to go...

i still do not know which of the plans i made are gonna happen... it is gonna be a lot easier if it was just me... however, there are dates set to be with special people.

today, the b-day week will officially start... i am meeting my High School BESTFRIENDS...

we may not see each other that often, they still are a very huge element of what i am right now!!!

i'll see you guys in two hours!!!

high school CRUSH

2010-01-17T00:37:00.000-08:00

she was my High School CRUSH. I came across her facebook profile yesterday and a different feeling of excitement enveloped me. i don't know if it's because of my current emotional state or was it because the attraction i felt before is still somewhere hidden in my innards (you know what i mean)

i have lived a homosexual life for as long as i can remember, and don't get me wrong... even if it is filled with heartaches and disappointments i am enjoying it.

but what is this?

am i tired of the life i'm currently living? do i go ahead and cross the border of another unknown realm? holy cow! i am talking as if i have turned into a lesbian...

my straight guy friends are telling me that i am welcome to cross the other side. my straight girfriends are telling me "wanna try it?" my gay friends are telling me. "stay! we need you here"

i will just laugh this one off...

the memories of her will forever haunt me... because once in my life i know. i truly liked (i don't wanna use the term LOVE for it is very strong of a word) someone.

(jhing: kung mabasa mo man to, sorry, i needed to write something about you)

before and current

2010-01-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

it has been exactly 17 days since i decided to start losing weight. 23 lbs has been lost.

i will keep you guys updated.

after the trimming process, the exercise will begin...

this entry is a promise to myself.

i promise to maintain my lean physique from now on...

vertigo

2010-01-08T19:41:00.000-08:00

i had a mean case of vertigo yesterday.

i was logged in, listening to a conference call, closed my eyes and leaned on my table.

i raised my head. and everything went spinning. it was very scary... thanks to my friends Ariel and Khrisna for helping me get to my boss' room so i can take a snooze. Ms. Ei, thanks for buying "serc" it really helped.

when all this was happening. there was just one thought that kept visiting me.

you.

you are like a mean case of vertigo.

you make my world spin and its throwing me out of balance...

you made it spin so fast that i fell.

i fell.

thank you for staying with me yesterday. i had a headache before you arrived.

but when i saw you.

i was spinning again.

but you had me in your arms...

and i was SAFE.

improvisation = relationship

2010-01-07T06:54:00.000-08:00

WARNING: this is a very lame assimilation attempt!!! i haven’t eaten anything!!!

I am writing this as a reminder to myself that what I have right now is just BORROWED. (don’t give me the religious crap. It’s not that)

I am currently in a RELATIONSHIP (I hate using the word) where I play the role of a third party. A couple of friends already told me that I should get out of this while I still can. I am known for my stubbornness in almost about everything. but dear friends, I can handle this. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and announce that I am not expecting more out of this. but I did all the necessary preparation.

warm-up. I have gone through a series of warm-up exercises for this. I reviewed books, blogs, articles written about playing this role. i know it’s not enough, but this is not the first time that I will be playing a role similar to this. so I also drew past experiences and ponder on them. picked the correct emotions that will be useful.

characterization – like I said, this isn’t the first time, so the characterization is not that hard. believe it or not I even used the “facing the mirror” technique to check if the character that I will be playing looks good or not.

the show – the curtain is already up. the show has started. and as an actor (which had training on improvisational acting) we all know the rules, here’s some:

1. accept – accept everything that is being thrown at you
2. NO is a forbidden word – if you say NO, you play solo
3. proposal – build on what was given, propose new things in reference to…
4. play – choose a character. act and react as this character

we are still in the first few scenes of the show.

we still don’t know how this improvisation will go…

but I will play along. i’ll try to remember everything I learned about improvisation.

sapat na

2010-01-07T01:36:00.000-08:00

sapat na sa akin na sinabi mong masaya ka.

wala na kong mahihiling pang iba...

tuwing ako ay susulyap sa'yong mga mata

tuwing ako ay babalutin mo sa iyong mga braso

tuwing hahagkan mo ang aking mga labi

tuwing kasama ka.

sapat na.

wala na kong mahihiling pang iba...

my sincerest apologies

2009-12-28T17:44:00.000-08:00

now that everything is getting clearer, i shall go out of my way and apologize for how insensitive SOME of the words i used in my posts about you.

it wasn't just you. i had my share of lapses in this charade. you might have given me signs that i misunderstood. you might have good reasons behind what happened, and i was just too hurt to try to understand.

i might have forced something out of a supposed good friendship. you might have sent a message that i failed to receive.

i might have. you might have. we BOTH might have.

this realization tells me that i am in no position to ruin your image in this site. please understand that it was an angry, bitter, feeling abandoned, person's writing.

as much as i would like to retract them, i can't. i consider those artistic creations and rarely does one comes to me...

until then POGI! our world is too small for us to assume that our paths are never gonna cross again. if that happens, i want to be able to look at you without resentment, without anger, without bitterness.

my sincerest apologies POGI! i hope you understand

EKO

self validation

2009-12-28T17:25:00.000-08:00

a whirlwind of emotions has happened within the last 48 hours.

downs, ups, and even sideways.

but something very weird happened awhile ago, when i went to our client's website and check our stats for the week. when i saw that there was a very good increase in performance...

tears rushed.

while i'm busy being the negative person that i am, i have forgotten to look at the good things.

a series of events made me realize my value. i had the self validation that i needed.

physical value: thank you to the eyes of the strangers in malate that showed me appreciation. (of course it's about my looks, di naman nila nakikita ang laman ng utak ko eh. hehehehe)

an appreciation from my boss: an early e-mail came from her sent only to me telling how she cares for me. I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO!!! i will never grew tired of saying that you are the best boss someone could wish for.

comfort from friends: while i was trying to crash this site with posts about "pogi" friends were there, giving advises, a pat on the back, offering a hug, and a shoulder to lean on ( lean lang ayaw nila may tears basa!)

the program's performance: i want to make it clear that it was not just my effort. it was the TEAM's effort. this showed me my value as an employee. as a team player.

with all these running inside my head, tears flowed. from the moment i hailed the cab to alabang viaduct. i am appreciated.

THANKS TO EVERYBODY!!! you pulled me up exactly at the right time...

sinigang

2009-12-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

i love cooking.

the delicate process of slicing tomatoes amazes me. the tears when i peel onions actually relaxes me, (i slice onions most of the time when i feel like crying)

i have tried experimenting on my own recipe of sinigang around 3 years ago. and i was so surprised when the first batch of friends who tried it LOVED it!

this diet ruining recipe has created a lot of memories.
from my old apartment in cubao,
to my favorite batch of Outbound Representatives,
to Baguio when i decided to join my favorite Inbound team without anything but my laptop and my wallet,
to our house in laguna where my friends started drinking from 9 am 'till 6 am the next day,
to lea's apartment where i recently reconnected with dear old friends, and where our Thai friends first enjoyed a filipino dish,
to our house in manila where my dad and mom would say "saan mo natutunan ito?"

my sinigang has reached so many audience. and everybody is asking me what the secret ingredient is ( i usually just say it's the sampaloc and the gabi) a friend once said "kaya perfect ang sinigang niya, kasi perfect ang asim ng personality niya" LOL

but the real secret ingredient to this recipe is THEM.

the people who are very DEAR to me,

the memories built when we start eating are my most treasured memories. the laughs about something funny, the tears if there is something wrong, the jokes cracked "mid-lunok" that would make someone cough so hard... and everybody would be laughing their hearts out...

these are what i have in mind when i start preparing for the dish. cheesy na kung cheesy !!!

"my sinigang will never taste this good if eaten with a different company"

Thanks guys! Let's eat sinigang sometime!!!

STOP!

2009-12-28T11:32:00.000-08:00

"why do i keep beating myself with a hammer??? because it feels so good when i stop..." (quote from grey's anatomy)

i may write about pain. NOW.

but it will stop.

my friends are telling me that with i am doing, i only am making you feel more important.

and you are.

but you know what, i believe i am better than you...

because i have the "balls" to announce what i am feeling. being true to myself is always more important than keeping everything inside and pretending that what you did never had an effect.

i may write about pain. NOW.

but it will stop.

SOON.

torture

2009-12-28T10:39:00.000-08:00

you are the worst torturing device ever invented

i cringe when i hear your name

i recoil remebering your smell

you nip my muscles through the images you formed in my head

my nerves explode

thinking

our

end.

picture from: http://arherring@wordpress.com

YM Status: you did it!!! OUCH!

2009-12-28T08:21:00.000-08:00

December 29, 2009

This was supposed to be the day when he goes to my house and spend time there. I know that from the previous entry that I have decided to let him go.

I fooled myself, I was secretly wishing that he would have the “balls” to at least live up to what was discussed. We never discussed that we are going to exchange messages. But on the 29th.

On the 29th.

I just came from lunch with my boss and my colleagues. I sat in front of my laptop at exactly 12:01 AM (Manila Time) He was still not available.

Call me a masochist, but I I braved to change my YM status from “invisible” to December 29, 2009 12:02 AM (Manila Time)

8 Seconds later there was a pop up. “pogi is now online” I swear my heart stopped beating! I was hoping that after the pop up, an instant message from him will surface.

Silence.

Went to the main Yahoo Messenger Window it said “pogi: status: I’m on Sms."

Awe.

Pain.

Ouch!

And then this entry…

Where will this go? Have people really lost the decency, or common courtesy to respond accordingly to how they are feeling?

Current YM Status: You did it! OUCH!

sulat para kay pogi

2009-12-27T22:30:00.000-08:00

pogi,

after a little analysis, i came to the conclusion that you are already in a relationship. that's the only sane reason for your behavior... don't fret, i understand. i was just so clouded by the idea that i have found someone like you, whom i can really be happy with. i am very sorry if i bombarded you with messages and calls for the past 2 days. (i might have even ruined your vacation)

what happened between us was magical for me (i guess i have watched harry potter and charmed so much that i thought magic really exist)

i will let you go now. it is very hard, but i have to. if not for you, i have to do it out of respect for myself.

a very dear friend quoted "mahirap kalaban ang panahon" bakit mo nga naman ititigil ang nasimulan mo na... para mag umpisang muli sa isang tahaking walang kasiguruhan ang patutunguhan...

thank you for the wonderful and painful experience. it was so good while it lasted.

may you be happy for the rest of your life...

you will always be my pogi.

p.s.

the analysis might be wrong... but only you will be able to tell me that.

always,
eko (your pogi hottie biggy at super bait na nakakainlove na FRIEND) <------ siya nagsabi niyan hindi ako...

the death of romance

2009-12-27T22:18:00.000-08:00

readers: my sincere apologies for not being detailed. it still pains me

after 5 long years of being a cynic, i tried again.

i recently dated someone because a friend told me that i have to try and find a balance between my personal and my professional life. and so i did.

prior to seeing each other, there were the usual ym chats, facebook chats, sweet exchange of text messages (believe it or not, i saved a copy of everything) we were both in a high. it was like we were both under the influence of ecstasy. (maybe it was just i)

and then we were together. sparks were flying from all directions. i was temporarily blinded.

we sat. stared at each other for a very long time...

(conversation in our heads)

me: where have you been hiding?
him:____________________
me: aren't i lucky that the first person i meet after a very long time falls closest to my standards?
him:_______________________________________________________________
me: X madumi ang room. (pwede ko namang linisin to, magaling naman ako maglinis)
him:_________________________________________________________
me: stop talking to yourself and start talking to him!!!
him:__________________________________

and then we talked.

stories about each other’s life, family, and other stuff were given with ease. we (or i think by now i is more appropriate) did not have to edit anything… everything felt so easy with him…

and then it started.

souls intertwined… memories encapsulated… flicker of happiness

we were wrapped in each other’s arms for a long deafening silence. i knew then that there was something there. the sparks are now coming from us…

i felt so bad that i had to go to work then. but the memories of what happened is enough for me to sustain a 9-hour shift.

we went back to the sweet exchange of messages through sms, ym, and facebook. another date was set. he will go to my house and spend sometime here,

the menu for his visit has been prepared.

Breakfast: corned beef, scrambled eggs and garlic rice
Lunch: adobong liempo and plain rice
Dinner: each other ( oo yun ang plano!!!)

December 26, 2009

(conversations through sms, ym, and facebook)

me: good morning pogi!
him:_____________

after 4 hours

me: gising ka na?
him: ________

after 6 hours

me: pogi?
him:____

this went on for 2 days.

you can see the progression of my emotions clearer through the status updates I have made through facebook.

and then it hit me. he was never going to reply again to the conversations in our heads, the conversations, and the exchange of messages through sms, ym and facebook.

it left me cold.

what happened? was i imagining all these time? is he just a pigment of my imagination? have my craziness transcended into a different level where i can actually create a human being?

there are so many questions.

but the one question that i cannot answer is this…

have romance died?

starting fresh

2009-06-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

in this box,

where all comes to an end.

lies the remnants of a relationship that almost, but never quite was

i hoped for so much...

i had a fantasy.

we were together. we were building a life.

it took years

but i finally came to my senses.

that the most special gift in my life was gone

for good.

melamine scare

2008-10-02T10:20:00.000-07:00

wow. seems like the cliche is true...

"everything is made in china!"

hahahahahah!

in rapt contemplation

2008-09-30T08:16:00.000-07:00

i am currently in a rapt contemplation. i will be updating this soon...

pritong tilapia at ginataang kalabasa by mom

2008-09-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

i missed my mom's cooking. yesterday, after a week of non-stop working, i decided to visit my folks in their house.

when i called and told my mom that i was coming for lunch, she said "bakit? wala ka ng makain?"

i just laughed and said i'll be there in an hour. knowing her, it's just her own version of saying "thank god, you remembered us! and how i miss you!"

that's just the kind of person she is.

when i arrived, i was surprised to see that she prepared my favorite healthy combo "pritong tilapia and ginataang kalabasa" see?! she so love me!

as i started eating, my mom started asking questions.

1. how are you?
2. do you have a job now?
3. when will you go home?
4. have you fixed your travel papeers?
5. do you want to stay in laguna?
and so on and so forth...

i left home almost 3 years ago, and never was there a day that she attempted to bring me back home... hehehheehe, mom, you taught me well, don't worry about me i will be fine.

after eating, (by the way i didn't answer any of her questions, i just smiled and laughed while she was talking) i went to look for new books. i found kevin baker's dreamland (hahahah! yes it isn't new) and asked her if i can bring it home. she said "sige iuwi mo, baka sakaling magkaroon ka ng dreams" hahahhhah!

as i was preparing to leave, mom made another hirit "you look tired, your brother will drive you home"

SWEET!

i didn't object of course. so my younger brother brought me to my apartment. thanks bro! you are so sweet!

realization: I MISS MY FAMILY. THEY ARE THE BEST THING THAT"S EVER HAPPENED TO ME!

my tuna pasta - my dear friend shutz

2008-09-09T08:21:00.000-07:00

pasta - our friendship is al dente. cooked just enough to retain a somewhat firm texture like the penne i always use when cooking my tuna pasta.

tuna - like the main ingredient of this recipe. we provide each other with nutrients, minerals, vitamins, amino acids to ensure that we both grow strong and able to overcome hurdles that we face everyday.

garlic - we both help detoxify each other through never ending laughs, jokes and stories that lightens each other's day. we make it a point to always talk to each other when we are on the verge of breaking down. we are our natural way of lowering our blood pressure.

onion - we sometimes make each other cry through the decisions we make. it isn't bad, it just makes our friendship taste even better.

black pepper - if black pepper stimulates our taste buds, then we serve as a stimuli to each other in formulating new ways of solving problems, areas of opportunties as well as creating a fun yet productive activity for our reps.

thyme - thyme has a long history of use in natural medicine in connection with chest and respiratory problems including coughs, bronchitis, and chest congestion. and like thyme we act as each others decongestants in removing all the emotional baggage that congests our chests.

rosemary - rosemary is an antidote to mental fatigue and forgetfulness. and this is just what we do to each other, we remind each other of tasks yet to be accomplished, and dreams yet to be lived.

cheese - if the calcium in cheese supports our bones. then we are each other's calcium in supporting each other when we present ideas that we strongly believe in. we hold each others hand through the unfamiliar just to prove our bosses that we can make it work.

we may not be working in the same company anymore. we may not see each other that often. we may not hear each other's voice all the time. but always remember that YOU like my own recipe of tuna pasta will never be forgotten. you have been a part of me. a part that will be treasured 'till the end.

i miss you GURL!!!

optimist - pessimist you choose!

2008-09-08T11:16:00.000-07:00

I am writing this as an answer to my friend's blog.

I didn't know the effect of everything that i said yesterday until i read your blog. i intend to answer everything you have written and try to rationalize it.

But before that i just want to tell you that it is so nice to know that there are still people like you. Optimistic, idealistic and romantic. Don't stop being one. If there is one thing i would want to be... AGAIN, it's to be one like you.

Hopeful. Young. (but seriously you have to take it down a notch)

IMMATURE. You are not, you started enjoying your newfound sexuality in 2002. So following the traditional calendar, you are on your 6th year as a gay person. You are still in the learning phase. Your being pesky is comparable to a kid in a department store who didn't get what he want. (a toy car perhaps?)

"You were still in a cocoon, while we were busily fluttering around flowers" Since we're talking metaphors, i will stick with this. while we were fluttering around flowers, we realized that not all of them taste sweet. There are a couple of flowers who are very appealing to our eyes, but as we sink our teeth into it (yes, i know butterflies do not have teeth), they are everything but sweet. this is your first bit of disappointment there are more to come.

Things shouldn't be forced. Imagine kids playing with a new toy car. They explore a thousand other ways on how to enjoy that. And they always end up ruining the whole thing. We exert too much effort turning a very good friendship into a relationship that will never be. In our attempt to do that we ruin the whole thing. Tears and sweat altogether.

As a third party. Do not demand. Need i say more? Just always think about this. YOU are better than the legal wife. Logic behind, I will not leave the bed to sleep in the couch.

Act like him. Be like him. Don't. Being like us requires a lot of hard work and like you said we seem heartless. you wouldn't want to be heartless right?

There will come a time that you will be just like him. Maybe yes, maybe no. This is your choice. It's too tiring being positive and hopeful and very disappointing might i add. We chose to be like this. we have stopped exerting effort. we have stopped fighting. we chose APATHY. You said that the world is so unfair and uncompromising, so, why would we compromise? hehehhe...

Be realistic and stop using your heart. Dude the heart is an organ. It does not tell you anything. You are an intelligent person i suppose you already know that. bwahahahahah!

You will fully understand these things outside or when you are finally defeated. Yes you will understand but you don't have to wait until your defeated.

If he choose to let you go, let go... Like what i said stay away, but not to far. You just have to play our game. Believe me it is always a turn on if someone is playing hard to get.

This lifestyle is so not gay at all. Its very hurtful and challenging

To be gay is to be an oxymoron.

This is me talking. I am not claiming that what i know or all these are applicable to everyone. i have no intentions to generalize. Maybe you have to stop listening to me. hehheheheh!

because of you

2008-09-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

as a part of my daily ritual before going to work i drank my coffee in front of the television. i started scanning for a tolerable tv show.

i saw a little girl singing kelly clarkson's because of you. her rendition was good (she didn't sound like she is 10 years old) so i stayed on that channel and hummed along. when she was done singing, i went to the bathroom to do my thing. i was surprised because the lyrics of the song started haunting me.

i have been asking myself where my cynicism came from. when did it start? and then it hit me.

it was him. he broke me.

he sucked the romance out of me. he killed the romantic person that was me. he took away my ability to believe. he took the good part of me.

i am now left with the negative, cynical and hateful me. i have become a pessimist.

it was him. he broke me.

whew. i have been afraid to put myself out again. afraid that everything will just end the same. i cannot afford to go through the excruciating pain of an ending again.

broken.

not for long.

i will start glue-ing the broken pieces.

struck

2008-09-02T12:19:00.000-07:00

I never liked lightning until last night. I was on the seventh floor, smoking, fixing my eyes on the dark sky.

I was thinking of something and suddenly I saw lightning stroke. I never realized that there was a cloud formation which I do not see. I was deprived by the darkness to see what was there. But lightning was munificent that it allowed me to feast on what was hidden.

It made me realized that you were the lightning during my dark nights. You gave me an idea that there is something hidden in the dark. You taught me that even if there are a lot of bad things happening to my life, there is always something better unnoticed.

Thank you. From now on I will always be looking for the lightning. I will try to spot the cloud formation hidden in the dark.

written june 23 2005

2008-09-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

hukayin mo ako…

bigyan mo ng hangin ang umimpis kong baga…

bigyang-kulay ang balat kong namumutla…

padaluyin ang dugo kong natuyo…

pagdikit-dikitin ang mga buto kong nakalas…

gisingin mo ako…

buhayin mula sa kamatayang dulot ng pag-iisa…

written april 25 2005

you were never you...

2008-09-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

you were never you
i was never i
we didn't happen
we thought we did
we imagined a perfect relationship
a perfect fight, a perfect solution
we imagined walking hand in hand almost everywhere...
we imagined the sun, rain, rainbows
we grew tired of imagination
you grew tired of you
i grew tired of i
we didn't have fights to solve
we didn't have hands to hold
no sun, rain, rainbows
we stopped imagining
did we?
or was it just i?

written january 14 2008

it's official!!!

2008-09-02T08:12:00.000-07:00

it's official. i am depressed. the reason i do not know. maybe boredom. boredom that made me stay in bed for hours and hours. and to make it worse. i eat! i eat a lot! i have gained too much lbs already. it isn't noticeable yet, but i can feel it!

maybe there is a scientific explanation behind that. you're depressed so you eat. and when you eat you get heavier. and when you're heavier physically. you become heavier emotionally. and you get more and more depressed... fuck i am in a cycle!!!

oh crap! see. i'm not even making sense...alright... i'll get going... i still have plenty of plates to empty!!!

written february 18, 2008 (and i still feel the same)

another possibility another try.

2008-09-02T08:11:00.000-07:00

in the most unusual way, you came. two days of non-stop flirtation over the phone. this isn't new but it's totally different from all the one's i had.

i do not want to jump right off the cliff and be in the abyss of love that you are offering. it's very early for that. i do not want to commit the same mistakes. the excitement of seeing you on saturday hovers me... the thought of it clears all the blur i'm in.

it isn't wrong to hope. dream. imagine. i'm just afraid that everything will wound up the same, and i can't afford another one. (i said this the last time, but ill go ahead and hope, dream and imagine. worse comes to worse there's always vodka)

giving it a try won't be so bad. so let's go ahead and do it. a friend told me to expect the worse so i won't be disappointed of what i'm about to experience and that's what i will do.

we have laid some of our cards already... the aces are still hidden, do i wait till saturday to reveal those? or i'll lay one by one everyday till saturday comes? it feels like i'm suddenly back to having all my first. there's excitement, fear and cynicism. maybe it's good. maybe it isn't.maybe i will just ramble to wherever it leads me. and hope that this is really it. the one i'm looking for, the one i need.

written june 18, 2007

love after love (derek walcott)

2008-09-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

a friend introduced me to this poem and i instantly liked it. i think it is because of my state then. enjoy reading!

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored f
or another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs,
the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

untitled

2008-09-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

Sadness reeks from my pillow.
The stench of loneliness lingers on my bed.

The mold of being alone started building up
from a tear
from a loss…
of friends
of love

A distorted shadow follows
awake
asleep

The image on the mirror has turned it’s back
walking
away

The mold of being alone started building up
from a tear
from a loss…
of self

written september 24, 2007

chafed heart

2008-09-02T06:55:00.000-07:00

25 years
4 serious relationships
plenty of dates
infinite possibilities...

and yet.
alone.
lonely.
conspicuous loneliness.

restless. twitchy.

is it me?
have i become so cynical?

this heart is starting to chafe,
failed relationships
failed possibilities

i need to start applying lubricant.
maybe it would help.

steady

2008-08-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

i just don't want to do anything at this moment
i just want to be alone
lay awake on my bed...
ponder
on
the noise I hear
the shadows i see
the creases on my sheets
the uneven distribution of cotton on my pillows
the creaking of the bathroom door
the flicker of candle
the scent of the oil burner
i just don't to do anything productive at the moment
i just want to
stare
listen
lay
awake