my sincerest apologies

now that everything is getting clearer, i shall go out of my way and apologize for how insensitive SOME of the words i used in my posts about you.

it wasn't just you. i had my share of lapses in this charade. you might have given me signs that i misunderstood. you might have good reasons behind what happened, and i was just too hurt to try to understand.

i might have forced something out of a supposed good friendship. you might have sent a message that i failed to receive.

i might have. you might have. we BOTH might have.

this realization tells me that i am in no position to ruin your image in this site. please understand that it was an angry, bitter, feeling abandoned, person's writing.

as much as i would like to retract them, i can't. i consider those artistic creations and rarely does one comes to me...

until then POGI! our world is too small for us to assume that our paths are never gonna cross again. if that happens, i want to be able to look at you without resentment, without anger, without bitterness.

my sincerest apologies POGI! i hope you understand

EKO

self validation

a whirlwind of emotions has happened within the last 48 hours.

downs, ups, and even sideways.

but something very weird happened awhile ago, when i went to our client's website and check our stats for the week. when i saw that there was a very good increase in performance...

tears rushed.

while i'm busy being the negative person that i am, i have forgotten to look at the good things.

a series of events made me realize my value. i had the self validation that i needed.

physical value: thank you to the eyes of the strangers in malate that showed me appreciation. (of course it's about my looks, di naman nila nakikita ang laman ng utak ko eh. hehehehe)

an appreciation from my boss: an early e-mail came from her sent only to me telling how she cares for me. I CARE ABOUT YOU TOO!!! i will never grew tired of saying that you are the best boss someone could wish for.

comfort from friends: while i was trying to crash this site with posts about "pogi" friends were there, giving advises, a pat on the back, offering a hug, and a shoulder to lean on ( lean lang ayaw nila may tears basa!)

the program's performance: i want to make it clear that it was not just my effort. it was the TEAM's effort. this showed me my value as an employee. as a team player.

with all these running inside my head, tears flowed. from the moment i hailed the cab to alabang viaduct. i am appreciated.

THANKS TO EVERYBODY!!! you pulled me up exactly at the right time...

sinigang

i love cooking.

the delicate process of slicing tomatoes amazes me. the tears when i peel onions actually relaxes me, (i slice onions most of the time when i feel like crying)

i have tried experimenting on my own recipe of sinigang around 3 years ago. and i was so surprised when the first batch of friends who tried it LOVED it!

this diet ruining recipe has created a lot of memories.
from my old apartment in cubao,
to my favorite batch of Outbound Representatives,
to Baguio when i decided to join my favorite Inbound team without anything but my laptop and my wallet,
to our house in laguna where my friends started drinking from 9 am 'till 6 am the next day,
to lea's apartment where i recently reconnected with dear old friends, and where our Thai friends first enjoyed a filipino dish,
to our house in manila where my dad and mom would say "saan mo natutunan ito?"

my sinigang has reached so many audience. and everybody is asking me what the secret ingredient is ( i usually just say it's the sampaloc and the gabi) a friend once said "kaya perfect ang sinigang niya, kasi perfect ang asim ng personality niya" LOL

but the real secret ingredient to this recipe is THEM.

the people who are very DEAR to me,

the memories built when we start eating are my most treasured memories. the laughs about something funny, the tears if there is something wrong, the jokes cracked "mid-lunok" that would make someone cough so hard... and everybody would be laughing their hearts out...

these are what i have in mind when i start preparing for the dish. cheesy na kung cheesy !!!

"my sinigang will never taste this good if eaten with a different company"

Thanks guys! Let's eat sinigang sometime!!!

STOP!

"why do i keep beating myself with a hammer??? because it feels so good when i stop..." (quote from grey's anatomy)

i may write about pain. NOW.

but it will stop.

my friends are telling me that with i am doing, i only am making you feel more important.

and you are.

but you know what, i believe i am better than you...

because i have the "balls" to announce what i am feeling. being true to myself is always more important than keeping everything inside and pretending that what you did never had an effect.

i may write about pain. NOW.

but it will stop.

SOON.

torture

you are the worst torturing device ever invented

i cringe when i hear your name

i recoil remebering your smell

you nip my muscles through the images you formed in my head

my nerves explode

thinking

of

our

end.

picture from: http://arherring@wordpress.com

YM Status: you did it!!! OUCH!

December 29, 2009

This was supposed to be the day when he goes to my house and spend time there. I know that from the previous entry that I have decided to let him go.

I fooled myself, I was secretly wishing that he would have the “balls” to at least live up to what was discussed. We never discussed that we are going to exchange messages. But on the 29th.

On the 29th.

I just came from lunch with my boss and my colleagues. I sat in front of my laptop at exactly 12:01 AM (Manila Time) He was still not available.

Call me a masochist, but I I braved to change my YM status from “invisible” to December 29, 2009 12:02 AM (Manila Time)

8 Seconds later there was a pop up. “pogi is now online” I swear my heart stopped beating! I was hoping that after the pop up, an instant message from him will surface.


Silence.


Went to the main Yahoo Messenger Window it said “pogi: status: I’m on Sms."

Awe.

Pain.

Ouch!

And then this entry…

Where will this go? Have people really lost the decency, or common courtesy to respond accordingly to how they are feeling?


Current YM Status: You did it! OUCH!

sulat para kay pogi

pogi,

after a little analysis, i came to the conclusion that you are already in a relationship. that's the only sane reason for your behavior... don't fret, i understand. i was just so clouded by the idea that i have found someone like you, whom i can really be happy with. i am very sorry if i bombarded you with messages and calls for the past 2 days. (i might have even ruined your vacation)

what happened between us was magical for me (i guess i have watched harry potter and charmed so much that i thought magic really exist)

i will let you go now. it is very hard, but i have to. if not for you, i have to do it out of respect for myself.

a very dear friend quoted "mahirap kalaban ang panahon" bakit mo nga naman ititigil ang nasimulan mo na... para mag umpisang muli sa isang tahaking walang kasiguruhan ang patutunguhan...

thank you for the wonderful and painful experience. it was so good while it lasted.

may you be happy for the rest of your life...

you will always be my pogi.

p.s.

the analysis might be wrong... but only you will be able to tell me that.


always,
eko (your pogi hottie biggy at super bait na nakakainlove na FRIEND) <------ siya nagsabi niyan hindi ako...

the death of romance

readers: my sincere apologies for not being detailed. it still pains me


after 5 long years of being a cynic, i tried again.

i recently dated someone because a friend told me that i have to try and find a balance between my personal and my professional life. and so i did.

prior to seeing each other, there were the usual ym chats, facebook chats, sweet exchange of text messages (believe it or not, i saved a copy of everything) we were both in a high. it was like we were both under the influence of ecstasy. (maybe it was just i)

and then we were together. sparks were flying from all directions. i was temporarily blinded.

we sat. stared at each other for a very long time...

(conversation in our heads)

me: where have you been hiding?
him:____________________
me: aren't i lucky that the first person i meet after a very long time falls closest to my standards?
him:_______________________________________________________________
me: X madumi ang room. (pwede ko namang linisin to, magaling naman ako maglinis)
him:_________________________________________________________
me: stop talking to yourself and start talking to him!!!
him:__________________________________

and then we talked.

stories about each other’s life, family, and other stuff were given with ease. we (or i think by now i is more appropriate) did not have to edit anything… everything felt so easy with him…

and then it started.

souls intertwined… memories encapsulated… flicker of happiness

we were wrapped in each other’s arms for a long deafening silence. i knew then that there was something there. the sparks are now coming from us…

i felt so bad that i had to go to work then. but the memories of what happened is enough for me to sustain a 9-hour shift.

we went back to the sweet exchange of messages through sms, ym, and facebook. another date was set. he will go to my house and spend sometime here,

the menu for his visit has been prepared.

Breakfast: corned beef, scrambled eggs and garlic rice
Lunch: adobong liempo and plain rice
Dinner: each other ( oo yun ang plano!!!)

December 26, 2009

(conversations through sms, ym, and facebook)

me: good morning pogi!
him:_____________

after 4 hours

me: gising ka na?
him: ________

after 6 hours

me: pogi?
him:____

this went on for 2 days.

you can see the progression of my emotions clearer through the status updates I have made through facebook.

and then it hit me. he was never going to reply again to the conversations in our heads, the conversations, and the exchange of messages through sms, ym and facebook.

it left me cold.

what happened? was i imagining all these time? is he just a pigment of my imagination? have my craziness transcended into a different level where i can actually create a human being?

there are so many questions.

but the one question that i cannot answer is this…

have romance died?